The One Lesson I Wish Mom Had Never Taught Me
Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2009
by Roschelle Nelson
There are so many valuable lessons my mother taught me over the years. She had the patience of a saint and was compassionate to no end. My mother was my greatest champion, my best friend and my fiercest protector. Being just like her was something I aspired to emulate for many years. She prided herself in teaching me right from wrong and all the other wonderful things a mother imprints into her child's precious psyche. The one thing she unknowingly passed down to me was the idea that it's okay for the man you love to physically abuse you.
The episodes of physical abuse always centered around alcohol. It never failed. He would come home stumbling and blundering through the house late at night just looking for a reason to "start". We were always careful to be very quiet hoping our silence would keep him calm enough to just fall asleep. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn't.
Finally, my mother grew tired of the abuse and began to fight back. She would punch, kick, scratch and whatever else it took to defend herself. This was her way of declaring she wasn't going to be a victim anymore. Eventually, she threw the jerk out and ended the reign of terror he had inflicted on both our lives for far too many years.
Nevertheless, the psychological damage had been done.
When I met my husband I thought the gods had smiled down upon me. Surely a man this kind and good could only be a product of the greatest Mount Olympus had to offer.
Things were good at first. We laughed. We loved. We played. We connected. I was in utter shock the first time he hit me. I thought this can't be happening. I lived through it as a child. Am I going to have to endure the same nightmare as an adult?
They say hindsight is twenty - twenty. I can look back and say I should have left the first time it happened; or the second; or the third; or the fourth - I really lost count after a while. But I couldn't leave. This was all a part of being in a relationship, right? Every couple fought and made up. He wasn't actually trying to hurt me. He was just angry. Once he calmed down and I remembered to never upset him that way again things would be fine.
It wasn't until our children were born and he continued the abuse that I decided enough was enough. I listened to what my darling husband told me about hearing his father beat his mother in the middle of the night and how powerless he felt being unable to defend her.
Domestic violence really is a vicious cycle! The chilling stories he told me validated that fact without a doubt. It was during one of these nostalgic treks down memory lane that I decided the cycle had to be broken.
During our last fight (if you could call it that), he struck me while I was holding our youngest child. I regained my composure and told him these exact words "You lived in it. I lived in it. I will not allow my children to live in this type environment. If you ever hit me again, I'm leaving".
He grinned at me with amusement and a bit of confusion on his face and walked away.
For months things were good. Then on a cold night winter night a few years ago he decided to test my proclamation. And as promised I packed a gym bag full of our barest of necessities and left. I've never looked back.
People often wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes women feel they can't make it on their own. Others have the delusional idea that he'll eventually stop.
My reason and the one I think is worst than any is the idea that this behavior is normal. Having watched my mother suffer through years of abuse convinced me that it was normal for a man to hit a woman. It was only with the help of friends and the determination that I would not raise boys that would one day become men who abused women that gave me the power to leave.
For any women out there suffering the physical and mental pain of abuse at the hands of someone you love, know that this behavior is not normal and it will not stop. Seek help from friends, the church, crisis centers, domestic violence shelters or anyone willing to help you.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children or others that truly love you.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Wow Roschelle what a powerful piece. Thank God you found the strength to leave. I've never experienced what you've written about, but it's in the news frequently. I never wonder why battered women stay. I know the abuser must have them so emotionally scarred and confused, they are terrifed of taking that step. Anyone who thinks it's easy to leave, I believe, is mistaken. Is it the right thing to do? Of course. Your story will help someone make the right choice today. Well done Roschelle.Please log in to respond to this comment.Brianna, thanks for commenting. It took me years to be honest enough with myself to really open up and share with people what was going on in my life behind closed doors. If this article helps just one woman in need, job well donePlease log in to respond to this comment.
I agree with Brianna, this is a powerful peace and kudos to you for putting your child's safety first...You are my hero...Now I have a personal story for you with a question to follow.I have 4 daughters from two different women...My oldest is from a former girlfriend, the last 3 are from my ex-wife...The oldest name is Amy...After I had left Amy's mother I met my ex-wife and started another family...Years into our marriage my daughter Amy reluctantly revealed to my ex that she had been sexually molested by her former landlord...My ex told me this information, and from there came the counseling and "hard understanding" that goes into a troubled child's feelings and thoughts.Well, my ex had a way of saying the nastiest things at times and this one particular Sunday afternoon she crossed the line.She had been sweeping the hardwood floor with a broom in front of the television set I was watching, for what seemed like an eternity...When I realized she was doing it on purpose I asked, "Are you going to stand in front of the t.v. all day?"...Here's what she did and said.She turned slowly, looked me square in the eyes and said, "I know why your upset...You're just upset because your daughter is a slut."Yes, I had learned many things I didn't want to hear about my daughter while she was in a psychological hospital or when we attended counseling, but for my ex to even suggest the thought of my daughter Amy as a "slut" was insane and ignorant...It's common knowledge to any rational or understanding human that when a child has been molested they have either tried promiscuous sex, suicide, drugs, alcohol, and other related "pain relievers." ...Amy was in pain and crying out for help.. I even learned (In the psychologist office) that she was once pregnant, and her mother convinced her to get an abortion - which she did...Imagine going through that much horror in so few years on this planet?Why did my ex say what she said?...I never found out and she never apologized for it...My belief was she was insecure about me and Amy's close relationship, and felt threatened by it...Maybe my ex saw the molestation as an opportunity for me to see Amy as something discusting or to someone turn away from, and give my complete focus to her and OUR family... We had started the long uphill climb to recovery, and then my ex came out with that?I flipped that day!...I lost my mind!...I got up off the couch, grabbed the broom from her hand,and cracked it over her head...She went down, and I grabbed her by both arms off the floor and told her to, "Get out of my house...No one talks about my kids that way!"...There was a short struggle, but I physically pushed her out and slammed and locked the door behind her...My other 3 were screaming and crying, and I thought I was about to have a heart attack...My heart was pounding so badly I put a hand to my chest.....It was one of the worst moments in the history of my life.To go back even further, Amy's mother would not let me see her for 7 months just because she had custody and the power to do so....I called her every weekend for visitation and she would hang up the phone on me...I eventually got a lawyer and got my visitation, but when I picked Amy up for the first time quickly after the approved documents were set in motion, she asked me a question...It was the first words from her mouth,"Daddy why don't you love me?"I said, "What?"She said, "Mommy said that if you really loved me you would have picked me up a long time ago."My heart sank! Not for me, but for Amy...Her sick mother passed along her mental illness onto my daughter, and I felt weak...It's one thing to try to get your kids through this world with opposition all around you, but when the opposition is in their own household it seems like an impossible task.My question is this Roschelle, and trust me, I am on your side and not attacking or blaming you - I always ask questions in search of answers, so as to learn more... Did you do or say anything at any time that may have caused your husband to mistrust or despise you - thus provoking anger?Everyone who knows me was shocked when they heard what happened...I rarely get angry, but when the emotional and/or mental health of my children or myself are at stake - they $%&@**d with the wrong guy to do it with....I have had verbal confrontations with teachers, coaches, and even a police officer in defense of my girls when someone is trying to shove things in their minds that wasn't meant for their minds.Recently my Daughter Michelle who is now 24 told me something my ex mother-in-law said to her, about me, a few weeks ago...According to Michelle my former mother-in-law said, "You girls are very lucky to have the father you have...He has always fought and been there for you."...I felt like crying...For the first time in my life I felt my efforts had finally been acknowledged.....My time has finally arrived, and now it's ME my kids call when they need advice or have a question that requires a truthful answer, and I can't think of anything that thrills me more than that....Some of my girls will do all they can to avoid their mother's lies and emotion crippling.Like I said earlier, "It's one thing to try to get your kids through this world with opposition all around you, but when the opposition is in their own household it seems like an impossible task."Keep in my this is personal stuff I chose to share with the hope those who read it are mature and appreciative enough to respect it...I don't feel all that pleasant in revealing it, but I do believe in being real and honest, so we may all benefit from our experiences.
Once again...I'm on your side Roschelle...I'm just curious to know.Please log in to respond to this comment.Kenny,Thanks so much for commenting. Your specific question to me was"Did you do or say anything at any time that may have caused your husband to mistrust or despise you - thus provoking anger?"Marriage is the union of man and woman. It is the holy matrimony God intended to bring two willing adults together - not to be mistaken with Man and child or Man and punching bag - it's MAN and WOMAN.Only he can answer whether he ever beat me out of mistrust or anger. I've been angry on numerous occasions. Yet, I've never raised my hand to strike anyone because of it. Anger and anything else used to justify violence is nothing more than an excuse.It's difficult to wrap my mind around your question. It seems that you feel violence is acceptable given "certain" circumstances.It's not. As angry as your ex made you the day she called your daughter that awful name, still didn't make what you did right. If you were that hurt by what she said and loved her (as I'm assuming you did), you guys really should have sat down for a much needed heart to heart discussion about what motivated her to say such a hurtful thing.You mentioned how your other 3 children who witnessed your violent behavior were crying and screaming - while you thought you might have a heart attack....Ever wonder why they were crying and screaming, Kenny? Did you stop to think how your actions would effect them.Violence begets violence. Being an advocate for your children is fine. Just make sure your advocating the right thing.Confrontations with coaches, teachers and police (especially if this is done in the presence of your children is not in their best interest).Even if these people that generally are put in children's lives to help are attempting to "shove something in your children's minds that shouldn't be there"....why does it have to be a "confrontation"?Why can't we have discussions like reasonable adults and come to a consensus about the issue.I'm on your side too Kenny. I'm happy that you are actively involved in your children's lives. But ask yourself if your behavior and actions are the best thing for them.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Great article. I hope the women who are in abusive relationship can read this and heed what your are saying. I know it took a lot of courage on your part to face your fears and do what was best for you and your family. Thanks for sharing, Linda D.Linda DPlease log in to respond to this comment.thanks for commenting Linda. It did take a great deal of courage. Conquering the fear of the unknown was the greatest obstacle. I didn't know what I would do without him (believe it or not). It didn't take me long to realize exactly what I would do without him.....SURVIVE!!! And raise two strong, kind, gentle men in the process.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Kenny,Thanks so much for commenting.*** Ditto to you too Roschelle!Your specific question to me was"Did you do or say anything at any time that may have caused your husband to mistrust or despise you - thus provoking anger?""Only he can answer whether he ever beat me out of mistrust or anger. I've been angry on numerous occasions. Yet, I've never raised my hand to strike anyone because of it. Anger and anything else used to justify violence is nothing more than an excuse."*** I agree with you in many ways on these points, but let me stop here a sec...Martin Luther King said, "Injustice breeds violence." I'm not suggesting you did something unjust...I was wondering if maybe some other past issues between the two of you had boiled over...Men are different from women when it comes to their character being challenged...Men are usually far more aggressive when their integrity is being questioned than if a woman had just slapped him in the face or punched him...Those things I don't mind so much...It's the question of my and/or my children's character that cause my irritation - that to me is an injustice."It's not. As angry as your ex made you the day she called your daughter that awful name, still didn't make what you did right."*** Your right, but the emotional pain is far greater then the physical pain for me...That's why kids can't forget molestation, rape, abuse, and the numerous other horrors many years later... I assured myself no one would attack my daughter again - not even verbally..*** I had no intention of hitting my wife or disrupting the household, but she apparently did, but she's off the hook because I can't prove my emotional hurt for my daughter - there are no visible scars...But because there was a fight and she had bruises I was, and still am, the monster...Yet I can't get the emotional and psychological event out of my head, yet no one cares...As I write this it's like I can still feel the emotion all over again..."If you were that hurt by what she said and loved her (as I'm assuming you did), you guys really should have sat down for a much needed heart to heart discussion about what motivated her to say such a hurtful thing."*** Yeah, in a perfect world maybe...Besides, I don't care WHY she said it...I cared that she said it...There was no excuse other than to blatantly hurt me emotionally and trash my daughter.You mentioned how your other 3 children who witnessed your violent behavior were crying and screaming - while you thought you might have a heart attack....Ever wonder why they were crying and screaming, Kenny? Did you stop to think how your actions would effect them.*** Duh!...Not to be rude, but come on...You're not talking to a five year old...Of course I did?...Why do you think I said it was the most horrible thing that ever happened to us?"Violence begets violence. Being an advocate for your children is fine. Just make sure your advocating the right thing."*** I always do..."Confrontations with coaches, teachers and police (especially if this is done in the presence of your children is not in their best interest)."*** Well how about this: One of my daughters teacher/coach tried to get my daughter alone at his house, and because she didn't go, he one day threw a basketball at her head during practice where many of the other girls witnessed it....That same teacher/coach got suspended a year later for guess what?...Yep, a beautiful 17 year old student and player.*** Then there was the time my daughter Sasha got thrown out of a park for the rest of the season because she had a confrontation with a softball player who pushed her...Sasha wasn't a player - she was only there to watch 2 of her friends playing...Trust me, my daughter didn't start the fight - at the time she was very fragile and afraid of fighting....The next week there was a game, and I told my daughter if she wanted to go to the park and watch the game to do so, but if she gets booted by police or the president of the league to call me and I'd come down to see if I could iron it out...Well, she got booted and called me...When I got there the girl who had it out for my daughter was on the bench using expletives and pointing at my daughter that she was going to die...I walked over to my daughter, and here came the president and an officer to confront me...I asked the president how he had the power to throw my daughter out of the park for the remainder of the season when 1) She's not a player, and 2) She didn't start the fight.He told me because he had a duty to set an example, and to toss out anyone disrupting the games "as Sasha is now."I said, "Disrupting the game? The person who is disrupting the game is the kid on the bench who's jumping around like a monkey in a cage and swearing! Secondly, if you REALLY wanted to set an example you would have also tossed the other girl out for the remainder of the year...Now that would be an example...That way you could send a message to all the other kids - players or not- that fighting would not be tolerated...I continued, "The reason you didn't do that is because you are a coward and would have had to face the music of the girl's coach about losing one of his better players, so you took the easy way out and prohibited my daughter from the field for the rest of the season to appease the coach and the league, setting an unfair example... Your method bellows, "You can fight all you want as long as you wear a uniform!"" Even if these people that generally are put in childrens lives to help are attempting to "shove something in your children's minds that shouldn't be there"....why does it have to be a "confrontation"?"*** It doesn't have to be, but it happens...The government fights terrorism with terrorism...They don't just sit around and say to the other nations, "Hey, can't we all just get along?" ...Plus you must take into consideration where people live and their type of community...I live in Fall River, Massachusetts, and this city has a history of high unemployment, low paying jobs, drug addicts, gangs, etc...We are a small city with big city problems, and to make matters worst, in the 80's Boston sent us all their problematic people down here by giving them section 8, new projects, welfare, and all the other "amenities" that go along with being degenerates just so they could rid of them from their neighborhoods...It can get very tough down here."Why can't we have discussions like reasonable adults and come to a consensus about the issue."*** Because not all people are reasonable....As for my girls and I, we talk all the time about everything."I'm on your side too Kenny. I'm happy that you are actively involved in your children's lives. But ask yourself if your behavior and actions are the best thing for them."*** My behaviors are not always the best for them, but I have the best intentions always...I'm only human!*** Love ya Roschelle...Thanks for your time and patience.....KennyPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Oh, Roschelle, thank you hardly seems to cover what it must have takenyou to write this piece. Your heart and soul. Oh, my! I don't think I will ever be the same having read this. May the Lord draw you close and hug you really tight! Again, thank you is weak but I will repeate those words to you. MarijoPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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